In a move that has left Silicon Valley analysts resetting their sundials, tech giant Apple Inc. has announced a drastic pivot in its product line: from cutting-edge smartwatches to, well, just regular old clocks. This unexpected switch comes on the heels of a recent legal battle in which Apple’s smartwatches were banned in the US due to a patent dispute.
“We believe timekeeping is at the core of our business,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at a press event, held in a giant cuckoo clock for reasons unknown. “And what better way to honor that than with a line of artisanal, handcrafted clocks? They’re like smartwatches, but without all the ‘smart’… or the ‘watch’.”
The new Apple Clock, dubbed the “iTick,” features revolutionary technology such as “hands” that “move around a circular ‘face’ – a bold design choice not seen since the 18th century. In true Apple fashion, these clocks come with a variety of bands, including one made from the finest unicorn leather.
Early adopters are already raving about the iTick’s unique features. “It’s amazing,” gushed one tech blogger. “Every time it strikes noon, a tiny Steve Jobs figurine emerges and reminds you to ‘think different’ before disappearing back into the clock.”
In response to concerns about the lack of apps, an Apple spokesperson was quoted saying, “We find the constant ticking is app enough for anyone. It’s very meditative. Or aggravating. Depends on your mindset.”
Meanwhile, traditional clockmakers have been left flabbergasted. “I just don’t understand,” muttered one artisan, shaking his head. “Next, they’ll be telling us they’ve reinvented the sundial.”
In addition to the iTick, rumors are swirling about an upcoming product – the iGong, a large brass gong that you bang to let everyone know you have an incoming call. “It’s about bringing back the communal aspect of communication,” explained an anonymous Apple insider.
As always, loyal Apple fans are eagerly lining up outside stores, proving once again that if Apple sells it, they will come. Even if it’s just to ask what time it is.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for humorous purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, products, or tiny Steve Jobs figurines is purely coincidental and not intended to mislead or misinform.