In a bold move that has left the rest of the nation in awe, Silicon Valley has unveiled its revolutionary new healthcare plan: Just Don’t Get Sick. This groundbreaking initiative is expected to cut healthcare costs by a staggering 100% and has been hailed as the epitome of preventative medicine.
The mastermind behind this innovative approach, Biotech tycoon Phil Popper, announced the plan at a press conference held at the top of a mountain he recently purchased just for this occasion. “Why treat illnesses when you can simply avoid them?” he mused, while sipping on a $50 green smoothie made from rare Himalayan kale.
The “Just Don’t Get Sick” plan, or JDGS as it’s affectionately known among the tech elite, is remarkably straightforward. Employees are encouraged to avoid any and all circumstances that might lead to illness. This includes, but is not limited to, avoiding human contact, living in a sterilized bubble, and subsisting solely on a diet of organic air and gluten-free water.
When asked, “what about the old and frail?”, CHRO JD Rothenburg said, “we’ve…”, added a significant pause, “… taken care of them”, while wiping red stains from his hands using wet wipes.
Companies across Silicon Valley are rushing to implement the JDGS plan. Office buildings are being replaced with hermetically sealed domes, and handshakes have been banned in favor of telepathic greetings. Employees are also being issued personal hazmat suits, which come in a range of colors to match their job titles.
The response from employees has been overwhelmingly positive. “I haven’t seen another human being in weeks,” said one programmer, “and my productivity has never been higher!” Another employee mentioned that she had forgotten what the outside world looked like, but she had developed a special bond with her code.
Of course, there are skeptics who question the sustainability of the JDGS plan. To them, Mr. Popper responded, “Illness is just a state of mind. And in Silicon Valley, we have the mental bandwidth to overcome anything, even the common cold.”
The rest of the nation watches with bated breath as Silicon Valley embarks on this audacious healthcare experiment. If successful, the JDGS plan could usher in a new era of medical avoidance, rendering doctors and hospitals obsolete. Only time will tell if the rest of the world will follow suit, but for now, Silicon Valley remains a shining beacon of aspirational health.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for comedic purposes. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re facing a real medical issue, in which case, please consult a healthcare professional.
Additional Disclaimer: If you didn’t laugh at the word “bated” there, we can’t be friends.