Palo Alto, CA – In a press conference that left attendees both stunned and frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles, tech billionaire and space enthusiast, Jeff Zuckermusk, announced his latest venture: colonizing Mars. But there’s a catch. The Red Planet will only welcome those who have demonstrated the unique skill of closing high-ticket clients by hustling on LinkedIn.
“I believe in a meritocratic universe,” Zuckermusk began, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide titled “Mars: The Ultimate Networking Event.” “And what better way to determine humanity’s elite than by their ability to navigate the treacherous waters of LinkedIn sales?”
The criteria for Mars citizenship are stringent. Potential colonists must have at least 500+ connections, a minimum of 10 recommendations (all of which praise their ‘synergy’ and ‘disruptive thinking’), and a proven track record of using the phrase “Let’s touch base offline” in genuine business conversations.
Zuckermusk’s ambitious plans include building a state-of-the-art co-working space, aptly named “The Red Hub,” where Mars’ first residents can continue to cold-call potential clients and post motivational quotes against backdrops of Martian sunsets.
When asked about the essentials like oxygen, water, and food, Zuckermusk waved away such concerns, stating, “Once you’ve mastered the art of closing a deal in LinkedIn’s DMs, you can surely figure out how to breathe on a different planet.”
The announcement has received mixed reactions. Gary Salesman, a self-proclaimed LinkedIn guru with a profile picture featuring him pointing aggressively at the camera, is thrilled. “I’ve spent years perfecting the art of the unsolicited pitch. It’s high time my skills got the interplanetary recognition they deserve.”
However, others are skeptical. “I just use LinkedIn to stalk my exes and see how much more successful they are than me,” admitted Tina Lurkington, a digital nomad and artisanal soap maker. “Does that count?”
In related news, LinkedIn’s stock prices soared following the announcement, and a new ‘Mars-ready’ badge is now available for users who wish to display their eligibility for the exclusive Martian colony.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire, inspired by the comedic style of The Onion. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Always remember to laugh responsibly and never take LinkedIn too seriously.