Silicon Valley, CA – A groundbreaking study released earlier this week has unveiled a startling revelation: 99% of Silicon Valley CEOs believe they are the exclusive 1% responsible for changing the world. The other 1% were too busy attending TED Talks about themselves to participate in the survey.
The study, conducted by the prestigious Institute of Overinflated Egos (IOE), surveyed 500 CEOs from various tech companies, ranging from multi-billion-dollar giants to startups that operate out of refurbished broom closets.
Dr. Ima N. Egotist, the lead researcher of the study, commented on the findings: “It’s truly remarkable. Despite the vast differences in their companies’ sizes, revenues, and actual impacts, these CEOs are united in their belief that they alone are the vanguards of global change. It’s almost as if they’ve been drinking the same brand of organic, gluten-free, sustainably-sourced Kool-Aid.”
One CEO, who wished to remain anonymous but hinted that his name rhymes with “Zark Muckerberg,” stated, “I’ve always known I was part of the 1%. I mean, just last week, I introduced a new filter on my social media platform that turns your face into a sustainable vegetable. If that’s not changing the world, I don’t know what is.”
Another CEO, founder of the revolutionary app “InstaGloat,” which allows users to superimpose their faces onto famous historical figures, said, “Every time someone uses our app to replace George Washington’s face with their own in a dollar bill, we’re rewriting history. Literally.”
The study also found some other intriguing data points:
- 87% of CEOs believe their morning routine, which typically involves meditating on a bed of rare Himalayan crystals while listening to whale songs, directly contributes to their world-changing abilities.
- 76% think that wearing Allbirds sneakers and recycled plastic bottle shirts gives them a unique insight into solving global socio-economic issues.
- 63% are convinced that their personal blogs, which average 13 readers a month (mostly family members), are more influential than The New York Times.
Dr. Egotist plans to continue her research in this area. “Next, we’re looking into the correlation between CEOs who believe they’re changing the world and those who use the word ‘synergy’ more than five times in a meeting.”
In related news, a recent survey of Silicon Valley interns revealed that 100% believe their CEOs think they’re changing the world, while 0% can remember the last time their CEO remembered their name.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for comedic purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or any CEOs who genuinely believe they’re the center of the universe), is purely coincidental. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re trying to treat a computer virus – in which case, please consult a tech professional.