Apple Announces New iPhone That Can Only Be Charged With a $1000 Cable

BREAKING: Apple Unveils iPhone UltraPlus — Can Only Be Charged Using The Exclusive $1000 “iCable Pro”

CUPERTINO, CA — In a bold move that once again challenges the very definition of innovation, Apple has announced its latest iPhone model, the iPhone UltraPlus, which comes with a groundbreaking feature: it can only be charged using the exclusive $1000 “iCable Pro.”

In a dramatic keynote speech, Apple CEO Tim Appleman stated, “Why settle for ordinary when you can have extraordinary? The new iCable Pro is not just a cable; it’s an experience. Crafted from hand-mined moon metals and woven with unicorn hair fibers, it promises the purest form of electricity delivered to your iPhone.”

Key features of the iCable Pro:

  • Elegance: A sleek design that’s 20% thinner than a human hair strand, ensuring maximum inconvenience and fragility.
  • PurePower Technology: Transmits power at the exact same speed as regular cables but feels more elite doing so.
  • Unique Connector: The iCable Pro connector is designed to be incompatible with any other device, including other Apple devices. Because why shouldn’t your cable be as exclusive as you are?

Market analysts predict this brave move will pave the way for Apple’s rumored next project: AirPods that can only play sound when placed on a $10,000 pillow made of phoenix feathers.

Reactions have been mixed, with die-hard Apple enthusiasts camping outside stores to be the first to get their hands on the “ultra-limited-edition” iCable Pro. “I’ve already sold my car and one of my kidneys,” said one fan. “Anything for that pure Apple charging experience.”

In related news, a black market for knockoff iCable Pros has already emerged, with many users reporting they look and work exactly like a $10 cable. Apple warns against these imitations, suggesting that they may not provide the authentic sense of pride and privilege that comes with overspending.

At the end of the keynote, Appleman left the audience with a cryptic message: “Stay tuned for next year, when we redefine wireless charging by introducing a wire.”

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real decisions by real companies is purely coincidental. Remember always to check the charger and cable type when purchasing new phones.